I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“and how does that make you feel?”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky