“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I’m having an out of money experience.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other