I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
🤣🤣🤣
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend