I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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Note to self: always read the final line
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address