Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
💁🏻♂️
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.