Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it