Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here