You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
You Might Also Like
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’m not proud
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.