By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
You Might Also Like
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
mom had nothing to worry about
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Truth. 😆😭😮💨