If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Smells like a challenge to me
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*