the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me sliding into hell like
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.