Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
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BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler