If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.