Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Seems a bit forward
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.