Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎