🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
When I said I liked it rough.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people