*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.