dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol