When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
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Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair