[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino