Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.