Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best