Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”