I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
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[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.