If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.