Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
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I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff