I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Life hack
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.