taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming