Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.