There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun