4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.