Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
me irl
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.