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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I’d use my best pan on you.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
how high up are we talkin’?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off