Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.