Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.