Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
You Might Also Like
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
absolute chaos
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.