It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
And they lived apathetically ever after.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.