wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.