Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
You Might Also Like
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more