[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already