Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Cats (2019)
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.