my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
So, can we agree on 4 or
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
What is going on? 😅
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.