I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
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*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?