Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
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Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car