Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.