It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
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*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I wish I were this cool 😂
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*