That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.