People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.