Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.