Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
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I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole